


words cut deeper than knives

by solarflares01



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 5 & 1 times, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt Jace Wayland, Hurt/Comfort, Jace Wayland Needs A Hug, M/M, They're both so oblivious, follows canon but not really, it's fluffy in the end, jace is a dork, simon didn't want to hurt jace but he did, simon is a dork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 02:21:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12520780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solarflares01/pseuds/solarflares01
Summary: ever since they met jace has been insulting simon in every chance he gets. now it’s simon who has no filter and says hurtful things to jace without having such intention.or 5 times simon hurt jace and 1 time he saw how much his opinion affected jace.





	words cut deeper than knives

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i do not own any of the characters featured in the story. all rights belong to cassandra clare and freeform.

1\. The first time it happened they were at Hunter’s Moon. It wasn’t long after Jace had returned from City of Bones and his current behavior was starting to get on Simon’s nerves. He just wanted to wait at the bar for Maia’s shift to end when Jace had taken the initiative to teach him how to flirt (and brag about his little book club). 

  
Simon didn’t need this. He’d spent too long ignoring, suppressing even, the crush that he had formed on the golden boy and Jace choosing to talk to him instead of fool around with the seelies? He definitely didn’t need this. He had a date with Maia and the last thing he wanted was to get his hopes up.   
  


He had taken enough insults from Jace (and a Star Wars reference; though, Simon was unsure if Jace actually knew what the gesture meant). And Maia had just informed him that her shift had ended, and she would be with him in a minute.   
  


“Some girls actually prefer a sweet and charming guy over a self-centered and emotionless jerk.” and with that Simon hopped off the stool and walked outside to wait for Maia, not looking back.

  
Jace sucked in a breath and downed the shot in front of him. Was that really the image Simon had of him? Well, he wouldn’t be surprised.   
  


“Where did Simon go?” Maia woke him up from his thoughts.   
  


“Outside.” His voice was sharp, and he walked to the table where Kaelie sat along with two of her friends. For today, they would be his distraction from Simon’s words.  
  
How little did he know, that Simon actually did follow his advice.   
  


* * *

  
2\. The next time it happened, Simon wasn’t himself. Actually, no one acted like themselves during Max’s rune party ceremony. 

  
Jace was crouching down next to Alec’s unconscious body. He knew that Alec was hurting, but he hadn’t realized it was that bad. Suddenly a hand wrapped around his upper arm and he was forced to stand in front of a very angry looking Simon.   
  


“You talked to Clary, didn’t you? That’s why she’s acting all weird.”   
  


Jace furrowed his brows. What was Simon talking about?   
  


“Look, I haven’t said anything to Clary.”  
  


“How did she learn about me and Maia, then?” Simon fired back quickly.   
  


“I didn’t tell her anything, Simon.”  
  


“Yeah right. You’re jealous because you can’t be with her, so instead, you’re ruining everyone else’s chance with her!”  
  


Jace’s eyes widened. “You know that’s not true Simon!” It was time for Jace to shout, now. How could Simon believe something like that? Jace would prefer to be miserable for his whole life than ruin someone else’s happiness. Especially Simon’s.  
  


“I saw how you were looking at Clary!”  
  


Simon couldn’t be more wrong. Jace was not jealous because he couldn’t be with Clary. He was jealous of Clary and how she was with the man he loved. Before he had a chance to explain this to Simon, Magnus snapped his fingers and everyone calmed down. But that didn’t mean that they’d forgotten about the words they had exchanged.   
  


* * *

  
3\. Simon was looking at him with wide pleading eyes. 

  
Jace was standing with a stone cold face next to the Inquisitor, his grandmother.   
  


He had been counting on Jace to help him. Defend him. Say something. Anything really, because Simon couldn’t stand the fact that Jace didn’t care about what would happen to him. He just can’t. He’s seen through Jace’s facade many times by now and he knows that Jace cares about people. He had even let Simon drain him just so the vampire would stay alive.   
  


“Simon please don’t make this worse. I’ll let you know as soon as I hear anything about her.”  
  


It’s not anything Simon said that hurt Jace. It was the look in Simon’s eyes as his grandmother was talking about how they would escort him to a cell if he didn’t leave.   
  


This time wasn’t Simon’s fault. Jace had been hurt because of himself. He did nothing to stop his imprisonment. And the reason behind Simon’s hurt eyes was himself. He didn’t deserve Simon and he knew it but it hurt him, more than anything, to look at Simon’s broken eyes. When it gets too much, Jace tore his gaze off of Simon.   
  


To love is to destroy and to be loved is to be the one destroyed.  
  


Jace loved Simon and he was hurting him constantly. So, in his mind, he deserved to be hurt whether it was Simon’s words or actions. Of course Simon didn’t love him back and that was the best and worst thing in the world for Jace. If Simon hated him Jace could keep a distance and protect him. He had a tendency of hurting the people he loves. But if Simon was, as far as possible, away from Jace, then he couldn’t get hurt. 

  
Why was it the worst thing, someone could ask. Because Simon didn’t love Jace back.   
  


Or that was just what Jace thought.   
  


* * *

  
4\. Jace had been staring into his glass of vodka for the past hour. He was grateful that Maia hadn’t asked any questions, yet he was sure that she’d have learned the news by now. Either she had talked to Simon or the seelies had started talking. 

  
Simon pushed the door of the Hunter’s Moon’s door open, seeking comfort in Maia but instead, his eyes landed on the blonde shadowhunter. He couldn’t face Jace right now, so he tried to leave before anyone noticed he was in the bar in the first place. 

  
But it was too late. 

  
“Don’t go. I was about to leave.” Jace’s voice was rough, rougher than usual, and he noticed that Jace’s eyes weren’t in a better state than his own. But Jace couldn’t have been crying. What would he cry about? He got the girl he loved. Clary chose him and Simon would be left with the heartbreak.   
  


Placing some money on the counter, Jace stood up. Simon needed his friend, Maia more than Jace. As he started walking towards the door and Simon at the same time, he heard some words that he wasn’t supposed to hear.   
  


“Why do you even care?”    
  


Jace bit his lip and continued walking until he felt the cold breeze outside the bar. He wouldn’t care. Jace was an emotionless jerk, right? Only that was so far from the truth

5\. Jace had been too caught up in his own problems to notice Simon’s absence at first. It took him two days to realize, actually. And it would have taken longer for him to realize if he hadn’t paid a visit at both Jade’s Wolf and Hunter’s Moon.

  
He knew that Simon’s boathouse sounded a lot quieter than usual.   
  


He had called Luke, Maia even Raphael and no one had heard or seen Simon. He had started to feel the familiar feeling of panic bloom in his chest. Simon had to be okay. He just had to. Otherwise, Jace wasn’t sure what he would do.  
  


Then Luke called again and told Jace about their trip to the Seelie Court and how the Queen let them go. And at that moment Jace knew exactly where Simon was. But the panic didn’t subside. Instead, it only increased as the time passed.  
  


He’d been trying to get permission to the Seelie Court for days, trying to contact the queen. He’d asked Alec, Magnus, and even Meliorn to let him talk to the Queen, to convince her to let Simon go.   
  


Simon had been at the Seelie Court for nearly two weeks, walking aimlessly in the wander woods. He was almost sure by now, that the rest would have forgotten about him and he would be stuck here forever. That was when Jace’s voice echoed through the forest. 

  
“Jace?” The surprise in his voice was apparent as if he hadn’t expected Jace to help and that made the Shadowhunter’s heart fall into his stomach. Did he really think that Jace wouldn’t help him?   
  


“Are you okay?” His voice was hoarse like Jace had been shouting for hours and Simon now realized that he probably had.   
  


His smile seemed half fake and it was. He was so happy and relieved that Simon was okay but then again he was heartbroken that Simon thought so low of him.   
  


Simon didn’t answer the question. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say. Clearly, he wasn’t fine but he didn’t want to worry Jace either. So silence ensued. Jace must have realized that because he was the one to break it again.   
  


“Come on, we’re going home.” Jace’s voice was softer yet the roughness stayed and Simon couldn’t help but feel a tad guilty that he was the cause of his sore throat.   
  


“How? The Queen is never going to let me go.”  
  


“Actually since the Queen let Valentine go through her realm, which is considered a treason to the Shadow World, she is obliged to follow the Cabinet’s orders and their first decision is to let you free.”

 

Once again silence took over. Simon had always been quite the chatterbox but this time he couldn’t find the words. But he didn’t have to because Jace took over and lead him away from this realm, in silence. Or maybe it wasn’t complete silence. Simon was sure that Jace had mumbled something along the lines of ‘This way, Vice President’ but he was feeling too numb to notice. Nevertheless, he appreciated the effort that the golden boy made to make him smile.

 

* * *

 

+1 He doesn’t knock, instead, he just opens the boathouse’s door. Jace knows that Simon wouldn’t answer the door otherwise and he spots the vampire buried under the covers.

 

“You seriously need to get a proper lock on that door.” He tries to amuse Simon, he’d do anything to see Simon’s bright smile again. But all he gets in return are some incoherent noises that could also belong to a dying cat.

 

“Are you okay?” he repeats yesterday’s words, but in contrast, there’s no roughness.

 

Simon has created a cocoon of blankets and slowly emerges from the shelter he has created. “Why did you come here Jace?” By the time Simon finishes talking Jace’s face has hardened and he’s avoiding looking at the vampire’s direction.

 

Jace doesn’t answer because he is not entirely sure what he is supposed to say. Instead, a humorless chuckle escapes his lips. “Because I’m a self-centered emotionless jerk.” He is clenching his jaw and he doesn’t dare to look Simon in the eyes. Nevertheless, with the corner of his eye, he sees Simon wince.

 

“Jace… you know I didn’t mean it.”

 

He shakes his head and he finally turns his head to look at Simon.

 

“No Simon. We both know that you don’t say anything hurtful to anyone. I’m just the exception.” He tries to mask the insecurities in his voice because he doesn’t want Simon to see how much he has affected him.

 

“But I do care about you more than you know. Did you really think I would leave you in the Seelie Court? I… Simon, you were the first mundane whose name I bothered to learn. By the Angel, I even carried your dead body. I was the one that buried you Simon. Not Raphael. Not Clary. Do you have any idea how hard that was for me? So don’t you ever say that I don’t care about you!”

 

Simon had blamed Jace’s concern for him on the bite. But the events Jace talked about… They had happened way before that. He notices Jace’s failed attempt of hiding his face and he also notices how hard Jace tries to hide his emotions. “Jace look at me.” It is Simon’s turn to be soft and approach Jace. He untangles himself from the blankets and walks towards him. When Jace doesn’t respond, Simon places his cold hand on his cheek, cupping it, so that Jace would look at him.

 

“Um…  Jace… I, I never meant to hurt you, Jace. Or to imply that you don’t care. I know that you care about the people around you so much more than yourself. And that’s one of the reasons that made me love you. I was so sure that you didn’t like me and I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I was jealous, angry even that you would never like me back and you know how much I talk. I ramble and say things I don’t mean and make a complete fool of myself. Like right now. I just bombarded you with my feelings and you don’t have to say that you like me back. Or say anything at all. But yeah Jace… I don’t just like you. I love you.”

 

Jace has been staring at Simon with wide eyes. Like a deer caught in headlights. It takes him a moment to process everything that Simon said and realize that Simon likes him. No, he loves him. A smile creeps onto his face. “I know.”

 

Simon takes a moment to realize what Jace did there and he bursts into laughter for a short moment. “I just declared my love for you and you made a Star Wars reference? Wow, I always thought it’d be the other way round. Since when do you even know about Star Wars?”

 

Jace smiles and leans into Simon’s touch. “Since you wouldn’t shut up about it. I even made the Jedi Master gesture thing at the bar for you.”

 

“I can’t believe you. And just so you know. I’m calling you Han Solo from now on.”

 

“But joke or not. I, I love you too, Simon. I was afraid that I’ve hurt you and that you hated me for that. It was easier if you did hate me because I could keep my distance and protect you. I’m a disaster, Simon. I hurt everyone I love. And I can’t bear the thought of hurting you but I’m not strong enough to walk aw- ”

 

The only thing worse than Jace bragging about something, according to Simon Lewis, is Jace loathing himself. So he leans forward and presses his lips against Jace’s. He says it is to stop him from saying another bad word about himself, but they both know that Simon Lewis wanted to know how Jace’s lips felt against his since the day they met. The kiss is soft, there’s no roughness or hunger involved, almost a peck because neither of them are in the mood for a make-out session. And that’s not what they need.

 

“I had to stop you there, because you, Jace, are one of the bravest, most selfless people, with a very, very kind heart, that I know. You’re not going to hurt me because if you haven’t noticed I can totally protect myself.” It was supposed to be a joke and Jace’s soft exhale meant that he appreciated it.

 

“I know Valentine has drilled so many self-loathing thoughts about yourself and repeated them for so many years that you believe that’s who you are. But you’re not. And I’m going to be here and remind you, every single day, what a wonderful person you are until you believe it. And you know how much of an annoying and persistent person I am.”

 

Jace opens his mouth to say something but he can’t form a single sentence in his mind. So instead he leans forward to place his forehead against Simon’s and close his heterochromatic hues.

 

“I think we’ve talked about too many feelings for one day and I’ve created a blanket fort on my bed that demands to be cuddled in. What do you say, Han Solo?”

 

Jace just smiles, nodding his head softly. He can’t believe that he found such an amazing person to care about him enough to drag him onto a pile of blankets while still wearing all of his clothes.

 

* * *

 

 

As they lay in bed together, with his leather jacket and combat boots discarded somewhere in the room and Jace curled up against the vampire, ( "You need to be comfortable and a leather jacket and combat boots are the exact opposite." Simon Lewis had claimed ) Simon’s fingers were combing Jace’s golden locks and a soft kiss was placed on the temple of the already asleep shadowhunter. And at this moment Simon can’t decide which one of them is the biggest dork.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed my fic. it is my first attempt in writing fanfiction and feedback is always welcome.


End file.
